I Can Never Stop Thanking Him

I grew up in a great family in Regina, Sk. I have four little brothers who I love dearly, although they definitely drive me crazy. Growing up we’d go to church together, pray together and play together. Maybe it comes from being the oldest in a bigger family, I had to learn to amuse myself, and take care of myself, but I learned to depend only on myself.  This independence wasn’t just limited to my family life…in school I would do group projects alone, because I didn’t want anybody else to mess up my hard work, and I only had few close friends…I had a hard time trusting people, because it seemed like anyone I depended on would just let me down. This technique worked out just fine for me through high school, and I got through the all tough stuff, the heart aches, the gossip, my dad being sick, alone.

For me, university was another thing that I expected to make it through alone.  And at first, I did a pretty good job. I was living away from home for the first time, so it was the first time that I could make every single decision all by myself, and I loved the freedom. However, by the middle of October I was having some problems handling everything I was going through all by myself.  The one amazing friend that I had made in the first month of school wasn’t even a friend anymore, and school was getting overwhelming.   And I couldn’t even tell anyone what was going on…I wasn’t used to sharing, and I didn’t even have close enough friends in Saskatoon that I would have trusted enough to discuss my feelings with. I figured that I’d be able to get through it alone again, that I just needed a little bit of time.

Turns out it wasn’t quite that easy. My life never quite got back under control…I’d cry myself to sleep every night, and then tell myself in the morning that I was fine, that I just needed a good weekend at home to get my life back under control. I was convinced that I could do it all alone, even though anyone looking at my life from the outside would have found it obvious that I needed help.  It was during this time that I started to consider my relationship with God.  I started going to church during the week, and from there heard about events such as Cornerstone and Summit. At these events I heard awesome talks and testimonies about people giving their lives to Christ. I began to want the same kind of relationship with Jesus that these people had, but I still felt like I was doing fine on my own. I was unwilling to open my heart completely to Jesus, because I wasn’t ready to trust anyone that much when I was doing ‘fine’ on my own. I could feel God pulling me towards a deeper relationship with Him, but I was too attached to my freedom and too used to doing everything alone to really give my life to him.  Fortunately, something happened that made me wake up and see that I couldn’t rely only on myself, that I needed something…or someone, else in my life.  After a girls night got out of control and I woke up smelling like puke and having no idea why I had a black eye, I realized that the freedom that  I coveted really wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. I finally realized that my life hadn’t been in my control for a long time. I felt alone and more than a little guilty.

Luckily, only 2 weeks after that I went to this great Catholic Youth Rally.  The talks and testimonies there really made me realize that there is no better person to place all of my trust in than God. Finally that night in Adoration I was able to surrender my life to Christ. A quote from Blessed Mother Teresa summarizes what happened during Adoration perfectly. She said “Put your hand in the hand of Jesus-walk along with Him all the way”, and that’s what I did that night. I realized that Jesus had been extending His hand to me for quite a while, and I had been ignoring Him, thinking that I didn’t need to hold on to anything but myself, but finally I was realizing that I was incapable of going through life alone, that even when I couldn’t trust myself I could trust Jesus.  That night, Jesus opened my eyes to two very important truths. Not only was He always with me, but I NEEDED Him to always be with me.  Since then I start every morning by just offering my life to Jesus, and I tell him everything that I am dealing with, or worrying about, and I let Him lighten the load, just like he promised to do in Matthew 11:28 when He says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Knowing that I Jesus is my constant companion in life has changed my life in so many ways, and I can never stop thanking Him for that.

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